So today I gave a christmas present to Kelsey's mom. She had done a lot for me, and I wanted to repay her by spending the 8 bucks to get some smoked oysters I know she likes. As I walked back to my car I left down at celery flats, I began thinking about me and Kelsey. You see, we broke up. She dumped me for some new guy. Thinking about it... I guess it just did not seem real. I kept expecting and hoping that she would come back somehow, and we could get back what we had. After all, I probably loved her more than I have loved anybody in a very long time.
Part of what kept me waiting was that, but the other was the fact that Kelsey's mom and Lynnae kept... expecting us too. They think she is the love of my life, and I am the love of hers. Heck, even to this day Kelsey's mom keeps saying I am her 3rd son. One day she said that to me at the bank, and it kind of stunned me. I mean, did she really still think of me like that? Was she right? Would we get back together if I just waited? I wanted to talk to someone about these feelings. About this inability to accept that it was over, and to finally stop remembering all those good times we had and desperately wish for them back. I wanted to talk to someone about what to do... how to accept what had happened. I wanted to talk to Kelsey's mom, cause she seemed to know both me and Kelsey the best. I tried too. I tried talking to her and her friend about my issues, but they never called me back or even tried to contact me back.
So today I was listening to best of you by foo fighters. I began thinking about Kelsey again, and I started remembering all the horrible things she did to me. How she lied to me, broke my heart, played me, and now has nothing to do with me. Combined with the thought I had during our first break up, and my new view on emotions, I sort of hated her. I wanted to move away from her, and find something better. I know, sounds simple, but I guess it was a big thing for me. She did a lot of horrible things to me... and I don't hate her for it. I think she is a hypocrite, and overall very selfish... but I can't hate her. I need to accept decisions, and understand my emotions over such decisions are useful, but can't control what I think or need to do. She will not want me back... too many scars are on both of our hearts, and she is too proud.
So, she'll probably never read this, but good-bye Kelsey. We had a lot of good times, and you showed me a side of myself I only thought existed. You showed me how to treat a lady, and to be a better person. I am sorry you were my first, cause I think had I dated someone else before you seriously... it could have ended better. Oh well, you are better off now, as am I. Thanks for the memories, and have a good life. So now what? Well, I got a lot of shit on my plate I have been putting off for all this emotional distress I've been feeling. I guess that comes first. A few other things need to be put into order too. Like my status as single. Am I happy with that? HECK NO! But I also doubt any girl is really ready for me yet. I am still changing, getting better, and in my transition I am not good enough for anyone. But I will be. I will one day be successful, smart, funny, and most of all happy. One day all my exes will lament they lost me. One day I will be a beacon of strength and create a life worthy of calling my own. But that's not today, and I'm okay with that.
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