Finale~

So, I think I am done with this blog. It was created for a girl to know more about me, and to vent my feelings. I have a much better life now, and I don't think me whining or musing over random shit really gives any insight into who I am. Still, I do have a journal going here, so I suppose if anyone reading this is still interested you can read that. I will update my journal... whenever I get time. http://cobhan-miller.blogspot.com/

See you,

If you want me to stop hitting you so much, you should die faster.

So yesterday a friend of mine texted me. I had no idea who it was at first (cause I got rid of all contacts in my phone... seriously, there is not one name in my phone.) but quickly was able to guess who it was. We talked for a bit, and she got confused on what I said was the reason I was interested in her day to day life. It eventually boiled down to "Your opinion of me changes so much." I am para-phrasing, but whatever. I realized she is right, and really had no response to it. I think I ended up telling her I was erratic, but that's nothing more than an excuse. So! Today's blog entry will be me trying to give a sufficient explanation. 

I think earlier I said something about wanting to find my true self. Bitchy ex and bitchier father pretty much made me doubt myself, and I really needed some stability if I was to get on. I couldn't find it for the life of me, and while searching I was... mentally ill. Depression and Bi-polar is how I would describe it. I constantly flipped from wanting to end my life to wanting to make it the most epic life ever... and that switch applied to most everything. In your case, you gave me a lot of tough help. Where everyone else was being kind and gentle, you seemed to pull very few punches. So, resentment towards you grew. I really hated the fact you were so cruel, and I wanted you to back the fuck off. Thus the fight and our not talking stint.

I don't want to say I am better now. Words are generally useless, and anyone who would just up and believe I am suddenly better probably doesn't really care if I am better or not. Or doesn't know me well. Take your pick. I can say that I am feeling happier though. I have a set foundation of who I am and want to be. I have been free of self-harming thoughts for a while, and want to move on and past the part of my life I just got done talking about.

So, as to why my opinion of you changed so much, was because I myself was changing. I was still learning who you were, and really had no grip on anything, let alone what I thought of a girl. I hope this answers your question.

Doubt

Why do people think doubt is such a bad thing? In all honesty, the only thing that may be better than doubt when dealing with another person is love. Though, since love takes a while to accomplish, doubt is still the best for new and developing friendships. People who disagree with me say that you must learn to trust and have confidence in someone to have a fulfilling relationship, even in a non-romantic one. But let me tell you this right now. If I ever completely trust you, then I either A: Spent years upon years with you an love you to the depth of my soul. or B: I really don't care about you that much.

See, doubt is for people who you care about. Questioning them, asking them to prove their words, scrutinizing them are all done because you actually care what that person does. You want to see the true them, and are doing all you can to learn who they really are. I can easily say "Sure, I trust you with (insert random task here)" but if I truly care about you and think you are important, then I will probably say "I want to do this task with you, or show me that you did it when you can."

Call people out on their statements, press them for the truth. And if you find yourself being doubted, please realize its only cause they actually care about you.