Some things are lost, some left behind. Some things are better left for someone else to find.

So today I gave a christmas present to Kelsey's mom. She had done a lot for me, and I wanted to repay her by spending the 8 bucks to get some smoked oysters I know she likes. As I walked back to my car I left down at celery flats, I began thinking about me and Kelsey. You see, we broke up. She dumped me for some new guy. Thinking about it... I guess it just did not seem real. I kept expecting and hoping that she would come back somehow, and we could get back what we had. After all, I probably loved her more than I have loved anybody in a very long time.

Part of what kept me waiting was that, but the other was the fact that Kelsey's mom and Lynnae kept... expecting us too. They think she is the love of my life, and I am the love of hers. Heck, even to this day Kelsey's mom keeps saying I am her 3rd son. One day she said that to me at the bank, and it kind of stunned me. I mean, did she really still think of me like that? Was she right? Would we get back together if I just waited? I wanted to talk to someone about these feelings. About this inability to accept that it was over, and to finally stop remembering all those good times we had and desperately wish for them back. I wanted to talk to someone about what to do... how to accept what had happened. I wanted to talk to Kelsey's mom, cause she seemed to know both me and Kelsey the best. I tried too. I tried talking to her and her friend about my issues, but they never called me back or even tried to contact me back.

So today I was listening to best of you by foo fighters. I began thinking about Kelsey again, and I started remembering all the horrible things she did to me. How she lied to me, broke my heart, played me, and now has nothing to do with me. Combined with the thought I had during our first break up, and my new view on emotions, I sort of hated her. I wanted to move away from her, and find something better. I know, sounds simple, but I guess it was a big thing for me. She did a lot of horrible things to me... and I don't hate her for it. I think she is a hypocrite, and overall very selfish... but I can't hate her. I need to accept decisions, and understand my emotions over such decisions are useful, but can't control what I think or need to do. She will not want me back... too many scars are on both of our hearts, and she is too proud.

So, she'll probably never read this, but good-bye Kelsey. We had a lot of good times, and you showed me a side of myself I only thought existed. You showed me how to treat a lady, and to be a better person. I am sorry you were my first, cause I think had I dated someone else before you seriously... it could have ended better. Oh well, you are better off now, as am I. Thanks for the memories, and have a good life. So now what? Well, I got a lot of shit on my plate I have been putting off for all this emotional distress I've been feeling. I guess that comes first. A few other things need to be put into order too. Like my status as single. Am I happy with that? HECK NO! But I also doubt any girl is really ready for me yet. I am still changing, getting better, and in my transition I am not good enough for anyone. But I will be. I will one day be successful, smart, funny, and most of all happy. One day all my exes will lament they lost me. One day I will be a beacon of strength and create a life worthy of calling my own. But that's not today, and I'm okay with that.

God didn't kill that little girl, destiny didn't chop her up, and fate didn't feed her to those dogs. If God saw what we did, he did not seem to mind. That night I realized God doesn't make the world this way.... we do.

So apparently I am supposed to blog about my problems so that a friend can read them and give feedback. To be honest, I'm kind of upset and really don't want to do it... but I don't want to just metaphorically spit on her kindness either. So here it goes.

After my girlfriend of a year and a half dumped me for some ass-wipe who fucked anything that moved, and my dad pressed criminal charges for something I didn't do, I felt hurt. I was annoyed and pissed at them, especially because I had learned to open up and begin to trust them. After that... I kind of got really emotional. I took everything as a personal attack on me, and got paranoid and yeah... in a really bad state. Better now. Now I am just kind of apathetic to my issues which... solves the problem I did have. I no longer think everything is a personal attack, I can let stuff slide easier and overall I am just more cynical and apathetic.

The bad news is I am cynical and apathetic. Let me explain... I am afraid that by becoming cynical and apathetic to most things, I will start to lose my enjoyment of life. Like, eventually I will just wake up, realize what I need to do, do it, and just keep living life like that. Not truly living. I know that's kind of how it is right now. That's mostly because I am up to my neck in debts, and all I really can do is work to pay that shit off... but I'm still really worried. I've done that kind of life before, and it sucks.

So should I start caring more? But if what if I get hurt as much as I did this time? I mean, I got really fucked up. I got played, used, abused, and all because I cared so much for something. Because I trusted someone, and trusted the world to be fair. Idk, maybe I am just being a bitch about this and need to man up. Accept hurt will come, and just overcome it when it does. No reason to hide from shit just cause it may suck.

Hola

What are blogs for? I know I already had this post, but I am not gonna spend much time on it. Basically I find my days monotonous to re-tell, and overall boring. That is not to say my life is boring, but I feel as if others would find it as such, and I find it boring to type out. So I use this blog to type out my thoughts.

Now onto the point of this blog. The problem is I think pretty much 24/7. There is not really a time I am not pondering something to a ridiculous point, and I also switch thoughts constantly. So I may think about at least 50 different things throughout the day, multiple times, and that does not even include the fantasies that run through my head. Point is, I have too many thoughts to put on here... most of them are inconsequential anyway.

So I am trying to find a new reason for this blog. I think I will just use it as a place for my ramblings/talking to the one person who reads it. Naturally posts about them will be few and far between, but that is just the nature of the game. Anyway, what shall I talk about today?

So my dream is to one day be loved unconditionally by someone, and to spend my life with them. Call it crazy, but from a young age all I really wanted is to not be lonely. Unfortunately, after my latest heartbreak, there is a bit of doubt if that can really happen. From what my dating history has told me, I like indpendant girls, and they don't like to be.... stuck with one guy for very long. They like to bounce around or even not be with anyone at all. Its strange, isn't it? My optimal happiness is a literal contradiction.

Now I feel like going into the type of girls I like, but I doubt anyone reading this would be interested in that. :P Night

Huh

So today I had a decent sized conversation with this girl I kind of have a crush on. Its weird to say that, but its true. I've kind of had a crush on her for a while...

Anyway, most of the convo went well. She told me a lot of stuff that does not need to be repeated for the public eye, and I took all of it to heart. Didn't agree with all of it persay, but I did hear her out and recognized that she had some really good points.

She is a great gal all in all. I could go on and on, but useless flattery is useless. Point of this entire blog is that I am not sure where I stand with her. She is kind of secretive about that stuff, and doesn't like to say personal things. I can understand that, but it still leaves me curious...

So I have been trying to figure out from her words and action what she thinks of me. I was on the fence one way or the other, so I spent some time reading all her entries word for word. Lucky I did, cause I found some interesting bits of information. When we first started talking way back when... from what it sounds like she only did it to try to steal me away from my gf out of jealousy.... which is fine. I don't blame her, as I know its something I can't say I would not do myself. After that though, I read something.... interesting.

"("Steal" sounds like such a bad word, but that's what it was at first. It was payback. Now it's not that at all.)
In some aspects, I feel like I did. In others, I feel like she threw him at me.
Now, I know this all sounds like I'm treating him like a toy, but I do honestly respect him as a person and recognize his individuality, emotions, etc.
I'm just trying to make things simple for the un-knowledgeable reader.
I don't see this boy as just a play-thing, not at all."


Well that was like a light in the dark. Though, after reading it... I feel a bit disillusioned. I guess that it puts it into perspective that the only reason I am at this point is out of revenge... And obviously now it is not like that at all anymore but... idk. I really have no idea where I stand with her at this point, or what I mean to her. Is this crush I have one sided? Should I just give it up and move on? Should I try and make a friendship out of it? I got time to figure out, so no rush~

Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while and she will be loved.

You know, I never know what to write about in these sort of things. Especially if someone is reading it. I feel like its my personal feelings being just wide open, and judged. Makes me feel exposed. *shrugs* On the other hand, its not like my personal feelings wont come out sooner or later anyway, right? Still, I would love to just pretend~ Pretend I'm okay, strong, all that jazz. Truth is I'm not. I'm full of faults and cracks just like everyone else in this world. Perhaps it is good if I do this. Be honest in a world full of liars, and this is a world full of liars. Heck, I'm a liar. If I can't be truthful to my own blog though, where can I be truthful? Meh, would be so much easier if I didn't have to trust others with the truth.

Anyway, at some point in my first post I was talking about who I was... I think. Too lazy to check. I've been thinking about that person a lot lately... and I think I have a good hold on who I am. I've realized why this has been such a big deal for me too (has been bothering me for about a month and a half now). Its because I like having an identity. I like knowing myself inside and out... heck I like knowing anything inside and out. The more you know, the better you can predict, change, and make things come out the way you want it. Plus, by having a solid foundation of who I am... I just think I'll be a lot better off in general. Mentally speaking.

1. I'm angry and vengeful. Not a good way to start out this list, huh? xD But its the truth. When I feel like I am cheated, or wronged, I get angry. Especially when it is something I care about. Heck everyone does, I think. The problem is I let my anger out by saying or doing things that are... bad. Sometimes I just bitch out the person, other times I do something to piss them off, other times I just ignore them and treat them as if they don't exist. I feel bad afterwards, but for some reason I can't control the anger.
2. I have an extremely low self esteem. I suppose I should tell you now, if you are looking for good points about me they will be few and far between. Anyway, after my experience with my father, and especially with my experiences lately in life, I don't believe I am a good person. I could go on, but continuing to berate myself doesn't seem healthy in the slightest.
3. I am very caring. Finally, a good point! But yeah, I like to believe I care about others more than most people. I take other people's thoughts and feelings into consideration when I do anything, even if it doesn't affect them in the slightest. Usually above myself (See self esteem issues).
4. I like to make others laugh. Means they are having fun, and I am helping/the cause of said joy in their life. No greater happiness can be had for me.
5. I'm lazy. Truth is that I get a lot of joy from just lazing around, and doing pretty much nothing. And by nothing, I don't mean just lying on my bed staring at the ceiling all day (though circumstances depending, that can be enjoyable too.) What I mean by doing nothing is doing nothing productive. Going to a mall, and just looking at random crap all day. Watching a marathon of my favorite t.v. series. Talking with friends about random stuff. When I say doing nothing, I mean nothing productive.
6. I'm afraid of failure. Because I care so much, and I have such a low self esteem, failure hits really hard for me too.
7. I think too much. I like to think about everything and anything... usually to the point that it gives me headaches. Because of most of the above facts, it is usually bad thinking too.

Well, that's enough for one night. Add more as I think of them.

We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

I am sick and tired of dealing with other people. I'm tired of genuinely caring for others, trying my best, putting serious emotional stock into people... and being hurt and treated like crap in return. I am tired of trying my best for others, and being told its not good enough. Being told I'm not wanted, not needed, and just an inferior version to somebody else. I love other people... I think the world just gets so much better when you can share it with others... but seriously? Why do I always get hurt by them? Why does caring and trying and doingm y best only make the eventual heartbreak hurt that much more?

Well, I'm sick of it. I have low self esteem as it is, and it lowered it quite a bit to do what I did. To change who I am for others benefit. It was lowered into the ground when afterwards I get told I suck. The only person who won't let me down is me, and I think its time I start loving me before anyone or anything else. Now, I don't want to be a hermit or never trust again. I want those who hurt me in the past to know what they've lost, how much they hurt me, and never deal with them again.

Just a rant, feel free to ask or comment below.

Blessed is he who shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children

Hello, all. This is my newest blog, and you can probably expect it to get more attention then my other one. I created this blog at the request of a friend of mine who I was unable to say no to. (She said please.) Though, one problem I've always had with blogs is what I should write. Especially when there is someone reading it. Should I just go through the events of my day? I'd rather not, seeing as how it is un-eventful and thusly boring. I don't particularly want to give my opinion on any controversial topics, either. If people want my opinion, they can ask it. Then again, she did kind of ask me to make this blog... does that count? Regardless, to me a blog is someplace to write out any prevalent thoughts. So, that's what I am going to use it for.

Two prevalent thoughts seem to be swirling currently. The first is about the girl who asked me to make this blog. I've been thinking about her quite a bit. Not constantly or obsessively, but more than most people in my life. Tied for first with one other person. Sorry, I tend to go on about things I feel are important. Maybe I should use my first blog for a chance to just say who I am? But won't you all figure that out as you read anyway? Show, not tell. That is one of the first rules of writing. See?! I went from thinking about a girl to rules of writing. Back on topic, the second thought I've been having is about life. Seeing as how its not going to end by my hand anytime at all, I have to figure out what to do with it. It can be anything I want it to be, which means I really don't want to fuck it up.

Anyway, in-depth to the first thought, shall we? She told the police that I was thinking about killing myself. Did it irk me a bit? ...Scared the shit out of me. That's for sure. Coming home to cops is not a nice way to end the day when you are on probation. Still, after the events of that night I know it was for the best. Though, I know why she called the po-po. She cares about me and does not want me to hurt myself. I wonder what I really mean to her though. Calling the police on someone is something that can be done for an acquantice. I suppose if I were to sit down I would realize it really doesn't matter. Whether she thinks of me as some looney she has to be sure doesn't jump off a bridge, or more than that doesn't affect me in anyway. But I do care. I want to know where I stand with her, cause I know where she stands with me. How important am I? I could list all these hints and things that point one way or the other... but I really don't know. I won't know until she says something, and she doesn't seem to be too keen on giving that info up. XD. Ah well, for the time being I suppose I will just have to do my best.

Second thought! What am I going to do with my life? I already have a vague idea on what I want to do... The path to do it seems pretty clear too. I guess I am just wishing I could be at the finish line already. Ah well, they say getting there is half the battle. I got a note on facebook that lists all these promises I made to myself. I update and change as necessary, but that is kind of where I am getting at. I want to draw the line on who I am. What do I do, think, feel, etc. What is important to me? Who do I want to be? To be honest, I have no idea yet. Like I said, I have a vague idea, but I want to be definitive as possible. I want to make myself into someone I can be proud of, and that can't have any vagueness. I'm sure I will figure it out eventually, but for right now its really bothering me. I feel like a swimmer just treading water.... and I want to move.

Well! That is my first blog post. I dunno how often I will update it... I guess it depends on how much I have thoughts I wish to write down, and how often someone wants to read new stuff.