Finale~

So, I think I am done with this blog. It was created for a girl to know more about me, and to vent my feelings. I have a much better life now, and I don't think me whining or musing over random shit really gives any insight into who I am. Still, I do have a journal going here, so I suppose if anyone reading this is still interested you can read that. I will update my journal... whenever I get time. http://cobhan-miller.blogspot.com/

See you,

If you want me to stop hitting you so much, you should die faster.

So yesterday a friend of mine texted me. I had no idea who it was at first (cause I got rid of all contacts in my phone... seriously, there is not one name in my phone.) but quickly was able to guess who it was. We talked for a bit, and she got confused on what I said was the reason I was interested in her day to day life. It eventually boiled down to "Your opinion of me changes so much." I am para-phrasing, but whatever. I realized she is right, and really had no response to it. I think I ended up telling her I was erratic, but that's nothing more than an excuse. So! Today's blog entry will be me trying to give a sufficient explanation. 

I think earlier I said something about wanting to find my true self. Bitchy ex and bitchier father pretty much made me doubt myself, and I really needed some stability if I was to get on. I couldn't find it for the life of me, and while searching I was... mentally ill. Depression and Bi-polar is how I would describe it. I constantly flipped from wanting to end my life to wanting to make it the most epic life ever... and that switch applied to most everything. In your case, you gave me a lot of tough help. Where everyone else was being kind and gentle, you seemed to pull very few punches. So, resentment towards you grew. I really hated the fact you were so cruel, and I wanted you to back the fuck off. Thus the fight and our not talking stint.

I don't want to say I am better now. Words are generally useless, and anyone who would just up and believe I am suddenly better probably doesn't really care if I am better or not. Or doesn't know me well. Take your pick. I can say that I am feeling happier though. I have a set foundation of who I am and want to be. I have been free of self-harming thoughts for a while, and want to move on and past the part of my life I just got done talking about.

So, as to why my opinion of you changed so much, was because I myself was changing. I was still learning who you were, and really had no grip on anything, let alone what I thought of a girl. I hope this answers your question.

Doubt

Why do people think doubt is such a bad thing? In all honesty, the only thing that may be better than doubt when dealing with another person is love. Though, since love takes a while to accomplish, doubt is still the best for new and developing friendships. People who disagree with me say that you must learn to trust and have confidence in someone to have a fulfilling relationship, even in a non-romantic one. But let me tell you this right now. If I ever completely trust you, then I either A: Spent years upon years with you an love you to the depth of my soul. or B: I really don't care about you that much.

See, doubt is for people who you care about. Questioning them, asking them to prove their words, scrutinizing them are all done because you actually care what that person does. You want to see the true them, and are doing all you can to learn who they really are. I can easily say "Sure, I trust you with (insert random task here)" but if I truly care about you and think you are important, then I will probably say "I want to do this task with you, or show me that you did it when you can."

Call people out on their statements, press them for the truth. And if you find yourself being doubted, please realize its only cause they actually care about you.

Graveyards and lonliness

Ever since I was young I have loved graveyards. Whenever I was stressed or sad I would just go up to the one by the library, and look at all the gravestones. See, most people in this world would hate to know the future. Ruins the suspense, and all that. Me? I've always loved being able to know what would happen next. Allows for better planning. Obviously we know which of these people get their wish, but for me graveyards showed my future. Death. No matter what I felt, did, or accomplished I knew that it would all wash away. Eventually, all that would become of me is a little granite stone with a rotting corpse in a coffin underneath. That was refreshing to me, cause it gave everything I did so little importance. It was like, it did not matter what I did... In a way, I was free with that thought.

That's kind of the thought process I am using right now to cope. That all this really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. My life is whatever I want it to be, and I can't mope any more than I already have. I gotta go out there and just... do my best. Cause even if I fail... it won't really matter in the end. Besides, after what happened yesterday I realized what a bitch Kelsey is. Truly and utterly, she is the most selfish person I have ever met. Hell, even my dad at least had a sense of fairness about him. Though if she is so horrible, why am I so sad?

I suppose the thing I miss most about Kelsey is the companionship. I mean, having someone by my side whenever I wanted them. Having someone who cared for me and showed it constantly. I guess just sharing my life with someone was pretty much the greatest joy I could ask for. Oh well. There will be others besides her. Better ones no less. Her selfishness will eventually be her undoing, and I take great joy in that fact.

Ended a friendship the other day. She kept telling me that I was this whiny kid who could not think for himself. Obviously I don't agree, but whatever. She is not worth the time it would take to argue with her. If she really thinks that is all I am... well I guess she will just be missing out.

So I got about 84 bucks just burning a whole in my pocket, and I am wondering what I should spend it on. For the most part I have it down to two things: 360 or SC2. I've always loved console games, way more than pc games, and ever since our PS3 broke I have missed having an actual controller in my hand. A 360 is a pretty cool system, and I like its game selection a lot better than the PS3. Plus most of my friends have one, so I could play with them online and have good times.

On the other hand a system is a pretty big investment. I would need to constantly buy games for it, pay to have xbox live membership, and even when did have online, nobody really wanted to play with me. SC2, however, is a single player game so I would not have to rely on others to have fun. I could probably keep playing it and have fun, since I am in that similar state with another game ( League of legends). But SC2 is really skill intensive, and I doubt my shitty computer could run it well... 

Maybe I should just save and wait for something I really want to come out? IDK, feel free to leave input if you want.